Musings About Life... After Birth

The other day I was in a department store restroom, changing the diaper of my two and a half-year old. He’s big for his age, so he was sprawled out on the table, and we were chatting away, my strategy for keeping him from flailing around. A woman, most likely in her mid-60s, comes up next to me and in an exceptionally disapproving tone goes, “That boy looks old enough to be going to the bathroom on the potty!”.

Um, excuse me?

A few responses immediately came to mind:

1) “Are you (expletive deleted) kidding me? Who the (expletive deleted) do you think you are, you (expletive deleted expletive deleted)? Mind your own (expletive deleted) business!”

2) “Gee, thanks lady! I never considered that at two and a half, potty training may be something I should consider doing with my son. Thank God you suggested that to me, the reigning Dumbass Mom of the Year! I will forever be in your debt. Because of you, my child will go to college knowing how to defecate on a toilet! What would I have done if I had never met you?”

3) “Wow, I had no idea that someone who’s never met my child has a more keen awareness of his potty training readiness than I, his very own mother! Since you do, here you go! (Hands child to obnoxious lady) I’ll pick him up from you in a month once’s he’s all trained. Thanks so much - you rule!”

It’s a good thing I was in the middle of wiping his butt, because I would have loved to have said one of the above. Instead I ignored her and went about my business cleaning up my son’s business. I was, however, fuming.

No matter who they come from, unsolicited advice and/or obnoxious comments - especially when they have to do with your parenting, can be pretty infuriating. Perhaps some people are able to let it roll of their backs, but I am not one of them. Parenting is hard, and when someone questions your choices or fitness…well, that’s what we Jews call “chutzpah”: nerve. Don’t. Go. There.

So I’m asking in hopes that I can find comfort in your similar experiences….what are your worst obnoxious/unsolicited comment experiences?

Momtourage member Amy recently sent me this article from the New York Times, which once again makes me thank God that I have two boys. Here’s the deal:

Jamie Lynn Spears, the TV actress and sister of the singer Britney Spears, sent the celebrity gossip machinery into a lather last December when, at the age of 16, she confirmed to the world that “I’m pregnant.” Today, she’s rocketing to the top of Google’s search charts with the arrival, reported initially by People magazine, of Maddie Briann, weighing in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces. (The child presumably has a surname, but it isn’t mentioned in the report.)

  As summer vacation begins, 17 girls at Gloucester High School are expecting babies — more than four times the number of pregnancies the 1,200-student school had last year. […] All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Then the story got worse. “We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy,” the principal says, shaking his head.

Once again, the news has touched off a round of soul-searching and finger-pointing. According to the Time article, adults in Gloucester variously blame a depressed local economy, broken families, adrift children, difficult access to birth control and hit movies like “Juno” and “Knocked Up” that they say glamorize pregnancy to young audiences. Bad examples set by celebrities off-screen did not come up, though, and no one Time talked to in Gloucester seems to have mentioned the most famous teen mother of the moment.

Oh. My. God. Kinda makes me yearn for the days that the most idiotic thing American teens were doing was getting Botox and facelifts.

As a journalist who writes “lifestyle” articles (think fashion, beauty, home, parenting, etc.), I am routinely sent information and new products from press agents and publicists, all in the hopes that I’ll report on said products, thus gaining exposure for them. This info comes through many channels -  email and even snail mail sometimes, but most comes courtesy of the UPS and FedEx guys, both of whom visit me so often that we call each other by first names, trade stories about our kids, etc. I really rely on the proactive communication from publicists and press agents; without them, I would have to spend nearly every waking moment shopping and reading stuff online. Okay, so I pretty much do that anyway (when I’m not being the world’s most awesome mother, of course), but there are fantastic things and important news that I sometimes miss, and these men and women keep me from doing that.

Occasionally, however, I get a press release that’s just plane insanity, and not in a good way. Today was such an instance, when I received an email touting “The Tween Plastic Surgery Craze”.

What? The tween plastic surgery craze? Like, kids ages 8-12? For the love of God…...

Here’s what it said (cut and pasted from the email I received):

Hi Chelsea,

  1. Otoplasty
  2. Rhinoplasty
  3. Breast Augmentation
  4. Breast Reduction
  5. Liposuction
  6. Facelifts
  7. Cheek Inplants(sic)
  8. Chin Augmentation
  9. Botox
  10. Laser Application

So, in the release, “teens” and not “tweens” are referenced, so I’m not totally getting the release’s title, but whatever - it’s still nuts. OK, I get nose jobs and otoplasty (getting your ears pinned back), but there are teens/tweens getting facelifts and Botox? What? Have any of you heard of this ridiculousness actually happening?

Currently, I am working on a personalized stationery story for The Family Groove’s October issue, and having a blast coming up with recommendations for the best, coolest and most adorable paper goods and websites that sell them. Personalized stationery, it just so happens, is one of my all-time favorite things. Perhaps it is the southern gal in me, but I just adore a nice little monogrammed thank-you note card.

I’ve discovered some great new sites and products that you’ll be able to check out in September, but I have to give you a sneak preview of one of my favorites, Sara and Abraham, a retailer I discovered courtesy of Atlanta (my hometown) Momtourage member Sloane, who sent me a set of their cards when baby #2 was born. Designed by owner Sara Tams, Sara and Abraham notecards and products are breathtakingly sweet and beautiful, not to mention exceptionally well-priced. Most of her designs feature silhouettes, which you can customize to best represent your kids by choosing from a large selection of “children”. Additionally, with most products you can select from a variety of color options:

Here’s a sampling of some of the products I find especially gorgeous:

Sara and Abraham also offers 8X0 silhouette prints, perfect for framing and putting in your kids’ rooms. You can get them in the above designs, but my favorite is the “Kids at Play” print.

Aren’t they adorable? I knew you’d love ‘em. To purchase some for yourself or for a gift, click here. When you checkout, enter code MOMT4, and you’ll get four free cards with every order!

Momtourage member Alicia recently did the unthinkable.

Oh yes, she got a minivan.

“It’s really nice,” she explained, as the Momtourage listened, eyes wide as she confessed her recent purchase to us. If she had told us she was joining the circus, we probably would have had a greater understanding of her decision. “The doors open automatically, and it’s so roomy!” she said, giggling at us. I, for one, was not laughing. I didn’t care if the doors opened automatically to reveal George Clooney, who would then massage my feet each time before I put the keys in the ignition. No. Effing. Way.

You see, The Momtourage (with the exception of Alicia, naturally) is decidedly anti-minivan. Vehemently, passionately so. Jen, Dana, Alison, Amy, Courtney and I are all SUV folks, and I think it’s safe to say you’d probably sooner find us walking than behind the wheel of a Town & Country. Though we’re aware that our SUV ownerships aren’t going to win any kudos from Leonardo DiCaprio anytime in the near future, we love them; you can fit a couple of kids, a bunch of crap from Target and your stroller in them. They’re mom cars, but not Mom cars; when you drive an SUV, few would argue that you’ve succumbed to uncoolness in the vehicular department.

The minivan, however, represents just that. “I don’t care how many kids I have,” Dana always says. “There is NO WAY I will ever drive a minivan. Tahoe, Suburban, Yukon…even a pimped-out Escalade - there are so many acceptable alternatives.” Jen echoes, “Minivans are for our generation the equivalent to the station wagons our moms drove. Those were awful then, and minivans are awful now. My mom never drove a station wagon - she schlepped my brother and me around in a sedan, and I applaud her for setting a good example for me.” In the interest of full disclosure, with the exception of Courtney, none of the Momtourage members have more than two kids. Even she, though, squeezes 3 car seats into the back of her Volvo SUV, refusing to make the move.

When I think about what our real problems are with the vehicle-that-must-not-be-named, I know it has less to do with the car and more so with what it symbolizes.  I’ll admit, I checked out Alicia’s new ride and it was nice. In fact, I am sure anyone else who saw it would agree with the fact that it’s seriously practical and far more roomy than any SUV. What it isn’t, however, is sexy. Or cool. Minivans are just so mom, and not in a good way. “To me, minivan screams ‘old mom’”, Jen said, as we discussed our mutual distaste for them. “See, when I think of minivans, I think of some dirty, crusty interior with sticky toys, spilled juice and smashed crackers all over the floor, with a bunch of sweaty kids inside listening to some God-awful tween pop band on the radio,” I replied. “I don’t want that life - literally or metaphorically, and to me, that is what minivans represent.” You know the Mom Jeans mom? In my mind, she drives a minivan.

The irony of Alicia being the only Momtourage member to cross over into the Final Frontier of Motherhood is that Alicia is hot. If there ever was a mom who was not a Mom, it’s her.

“When I bring up Alicia, my brother goes, ‘Oh, your hot mom friend?’ No offense, of course, I mean, that was before I knew you….” Alison once said to me. No offense was taken, and there was no need to add that little bit on the end. All was understood.

When I first met Alicia, I realized she was from the same small New Jersey town as E., my closest guy friend from college. When I asked him if he knew her, he started sweating, and got all nervous like he was back in 10th grade, hormones raging. “Um, yeah, she was only like the hottest girl in school. Everyone knew who she was, and all my friends (I’m gonna delete this part because I get that you see where it’s heading)....”. After I removed my hands from my ears, he went on to say that the cool thing about Alicia is that she was always super sweet and nice, despite her obvious attractiveness. “She was the kind of girl who could have gotten away with being totally nasty to everyone and people probably still would have been enamored with her,” he explained. “This wasn’t who she was, though.” Not much has changed, it seems. Nearly 15 years post- high school graduation, Alicia is still one of the prettiest people I know - inside and out. She’s one of those friends you can always count on to make you feel good about yourself, and to be generous and understanding; everything she does is kind, good and sincere.

So, I imagine, if anyone - mom or otherwise - can pull off a minivan, I guess it’s Alicia. If she starts wearing light jeans with an elastic waist, though, I’m staging a serious intervention.

After having my second child, I figured it was the perfect time to get a little “work” done - to the blog. This new and improved “look” comes courtesy of the amazing Joelle Reeder at Moxie Design Studios. Seriously, is it not totally adorable? And yes, that cute little brunette up there is a likeness of me (okay, a slightly skinnier me) holding my two sons (who look like their little cartoons too!). 

As far as the new(ish) title is concerned, I still can’t believe I’m somebody’s mother, but I find “The Momtourage” much more representative of how I envision the purpose of this new and improved site. Sure, there will still be all sorts of snarky posts about pop culture, recounts of my adventures with my Momtourage and product recommendations, but I’ll be adding posts featuring advice from the pros - a pediatrician, a child psychiatrist, an OB-GYN and a whole host of other specialists - because even though I might think I know everything, I don’t. I also be featuring many more contests and yes, more frequent posts.

One super-cool feature I’ve added is The Momtourage Mailbag, a monthly newsletter of sorts. I promise - it won’t be some annoyingly lame-o mom-tastic email that you’ll eventually find yourself deleting before you even read it like I do with Daily Candy. Instead, it will only come once a month, and only include cool stuff like bonus tips from our experts and special discount codes to use when you shop for our favorite products and from our favorite vendors. Additionally, when you sign up for the mailing list, you’ll be automatically entered to win our contests and giveaways. Ohhhh, the goodies I have to give away. Just wait!

The way I see it, as corny as it may sound, this blog is really about the larger Momtourage - the community of Moms across the country, so I want to create a forum where I not only share information with you, but you can also share it with me and everyone else who’s reading.

I can’t wait to hear what you think of our new look and hear your ideas on ways in which this blog can be more of what you want it to be. Post your comments below or shoot me an email at chelsea@themomtourage.com!

xoxo Chelsea